Adjusting and Readjusting

It has not been easy to face the fact that my husband will never be strong again.  I told Jim recently that in my heart I knew that he probably wouldn’t be able to stand the rigors of working in his factory much longer than a year.  This time last year, there were no signs of the economy hurting the business of the factory.  Jim was working seven days a week.  He only got to attend church about once a month.  He got an excuse from his heart doctor to work no more than 50 hours a week.  The factory would not honor the excuse.  His supervisor told him that if he couldn’t work what was required then he would be fired.  I ached for Jim.  He was so tired and weary.  I suspected that his health was not the best.

Signs of the recession finally hit the factory in May.  Suddenly there was no more overtime for Jim and many others.  It was a real relief.  I believe now that if Jim had kept up that pace–he would have died.  Since August, this factory has laid off about 200 employees.  Jim made the first cut and his illness came right before the second cut.  This was a trememdous blessing as Jim was able to keep his insurance and draw short term disability pay.

Meanwhile, many were urging us to complete the process for Jim to draw Social Security disability.  We both dragged our feet because it seemed so final.  I can’t speak for others but neither Jim nor I wanted to believe that he  was actually disabled.  Although the signs and symtoms were under our nose each day.  Finally, close to Christmas I called the national social security number and set up an appointment for Jim in our local office.  Our appointment was on Christmas Eve day.  It was a nasty day weather wise and we got a call from a social security worker in Campbellsville, Ky asking if we would rather have the interview on the phone.  I asked her if I could be on the line because Jim doesn’t handle these types of things well.  I had already filled out forms of medical information for Jim to take to his appointment.  We had about a 45 minute interview on the phone.  She told us that they would back his date back to November 1, 2008.  Moreover, she told us that if he was accepted that he would get his first check the end of May. 

There are two kinds of social security disability.  One kind is for people who have never earned enough credits for working and are extremely poor.  We didn’t meet that requirement.  That kind of social security comes with immediate health care. Jim , if approved, will get the kind of disability based on all of the working quarters he has completed in his life.  He will have to wait two years to get medical care. 

That certainly left us in a dilemma as Jim’s insurance runs out when his short term disability is finished.  We can buy what is called  Cobra for 18 months but it is extremely expensive.  We started thinking about any benefits that he could get because he is a veteran.  We had already been thinking about completing the paper work for us to be buried at the beautiful veteran’s cemetery in our county. 

This past Monday we made a visit to the veteran’s cemetery.   Jim handed the secretary his DD214 form and she said that it would be processed in a couple of days and that we would receive a post card of affirmation.  I can be buried with Jim, too.  We have to furnish our caskets but the rest is free for Jim.  There is a $300.00 dollar cost for me.  It doesn’t matter if I die first.  We will be buired on top of each other.  That was a relief to get that matter settled.  Jim asked how one could find out about veteran’s health benefits.  We were surprised that a veteran’s benefit’s person had an office right there.  So we went in to talk with her.

She got Jim’s DD214 and started working on our case.  We spent almost an hour answering questions and we were done.  She faxed Jim’s information to the veteran’s hospital in Nashville and told us that we could call in a few days to see if Jim was in the system.  We did call and they had not processed  Jim’s claim yet.  Hopefully, by early next week we will know.  The lady who helped us didn’t seem to think that it would be any problem for Jim to be approved. That will take care of Jim’s health needs.  I will be able to have cobra and that will cut our cost for healthcare in half. 

Early in December I completed all of the requirements to go back to substitute teaching.  I didn’t have to get references again but I had to get a TB skin test, fill out a few forms and get fingerprinted again.  I also had to get an extenstive physical exam.  I’ve done this three times since 2000.  I’m not going to be able to resign this time.  I’m going to have to stick it out.  I had been teaching junior high and high school students.  I enjoyed it so much from 2000 to 2003. However when I went back to work in 2006 I was shocked at all of the cell phones and ipods in the classroom.  There  were rules against them but I couldn’t get the administration to back up my discipline referral slips.   Finally, I resigned.

This time I’m only going to teach kindergarten through the 5th grade.  I had tried some teaching in the lower grades initially in 2000 and didn’t like it at all because it was so “busy” all of the time.  I didn’t like lining up the children for every little thing.  I didn’t like going out on the play ground twice a day for recess.  But that was before I had grandsons.  I’ve learned to like young children once again.  I think all of my experiences  of working with my grandsons will be a great benefit to me.  I have developed a more “childlike” heart since they have been a part of my life.   I now believe that working with the younger children with their very full days will be better that dealing with high school students who are bored out of their minds with the 90 minutes class room blocks. 

Hopefully, the calls will come soon.  It will be another adjustment.  But that is what life if all about with adjusting and readjusting.  I’m thankful that we have completed the process for Jim’s social security disability, our burial and his veteran’s healthcare.  Life is certainly much different for us these days.  There is a path of grieving that we are both walking through.  And I’m sure many ideas of future blogs will grow out of that grief.  Yet in the midst of our grief  is joy because we still have faith in God to see us through each day.

May God bless each of you!

Helping The Sick

Jim and I have been home from the hospital for two months.   I remember being in a daze our first day home.  I knew that Jim could never eat foods that were high in sodium again.  I also knew that his fat intake had to be monitored.  It was not that we over indulged in eating unhealthy foods but sodium is sneaky.  For example one tablespoon of ketchup has 7% of one’s daily sodium needs.  Now who wants to waste 7% of one’s daily sodium on a tablespoon of ketchup.  Those were the issues that I had to become an expert at.  So I was very uptight that first day and was extremely happy when a friend brought over a nice hot lunch for us.  She was very attuned to Jim’s health needs and cooked accordingly.  The word “attuned” is key here to helping those who are sick.  The caregiver needs encouragement along the way and I want to share a few suggestions.

First of all,  I have had numerous phone calls from people who told me to just let them know how they could help.  I know that their intentions were good but I for one will never tell anyone what our needs are.  I would be hesitant to ask anyone for help–accept perhaps my own flesh and blood children.   I got very frustrated by those calls and notes in cards.  There are things people can do without asking the caregiver’s thoughts.

Very close friends will usually ask what type of food can be eaten. That is exactly what my friend Hope asked me about.  And Hope was also very sensitive to my need for time out at the hospital.  Twice she came and took me out for a meal.   If one is not that close to the family but still concerned–gift cards to grocery stores are greatly appreciated.  Also just gifts of cash go along way to help.  While Jim was at Vanderbilt–I received cash from several sources.  The cash was used to help with my meals and I also shared it with my adult children’s gas expenses in driving back and forth to Vanderbilt.  It doesn’t have to be a great deal of money.  A $20 dollar bill placed in one’s hand is greatly appreciated. 

Visiting the sick is also very important.  However, when one gets home from the hospital–one is very consumed with many details.  It is best not to call or visit until about 10:00 in the morning.  This gives the caregiver time to make sure the patient has been fed and bathed.  Also it gives the caregiver a little time to wash dishes , put a load of laundry in the washing machine and do a little straightening up around the house.  I well remember the pressure I felt when Vera, our daughter, was recovering from a bad fall.  It took a great deal of time to get her ready for the day.  We had a very rigid schedule all day and I was very grateful when people called first before a visit. 

In my situation now with Jim–I have the responsibility of taking care of our home and yard.  Jim will never be able to do any physical taxing home chores again.  In such situations as mine–a great gift would be an offer to rake leaves in the fall or cut the grass in the summer. Of course these would be one time gifts—as I would never expect any one to do these things on a regular basis.  However, just lifting the burden as a one time gift means a great deal to the caregiver.  Even though I’m not a widow–I’m a widow now in some ways.  Jim can never be the strong man of the house again.  Thus, thinking about the needs of widows and care givers of sick husbands in practical ways will be greatly appreciated.

Caregivers can use time out from their patients.  Offer to come sit with the patient so the caregiver can get out  for awhile.  In my case, Jim can be left alone now but in the beginning I would not have left hime home alone for anything.  Vera was a big help in being my co-caretaker.  Not everyone is so fortunate.

I’m also blessed with having my adult children who can step in and help in many situations.  For instance, our kitchen plumbing went bad.  We had an awful link under the sink.  Our son was able to put new plumbing in for us.  Not everyone has a son who can do those kinds of things.  Thus, asking if there are any household problems to be fixed is another kind thing to do for a home where a woman is taking care of a sick husband.

But let me not just dwell on the needs of the aging.  Children who are very sick especially with cancer–need all kinds of encouragement.  Gifts of stuffed animals, coloring books and crayons etc are always appreciated.  Again, gift cards to pizza or hamburger fast food restaurants are always exciting to a sick child.  If a child has a long lasting illness–again time out for the caregiver is a must.  Volunteer to take care of the sick child so that parents can have some time to relax. 

Be creative.  Think about things that you can do to help others.  The Bible teaches us that caring for the poor, the sick and the needy is the right thing to do.  The Holy Gospels are full of such admonitions.  When we learn to do for others–we grow out of our self serving habits. 

Jim and I have always enjoyed reaching out to others in their times of need.  In fact, during our two months home from the hospital–we have enjoyed reaching out to others who are in need.  It is just the right thing to do.  Do you have any other ideas about helping the sick?  I would love to read them.

God bless each of you!

Some Harsh Realities

Death, cancer, diabilities of all kinds, unemployment etc don’t often give a warning that they are about to happen.  Sometimes if we are extremely in tune to our lives we can often sense a warning.  I know that I’ve had many such times.  Even so–I’ve missed some real warnings in my life.  It is not good to be naive about the harsh realities of life.  Dave Ramsey likes to talk about how Murphy’s law lives in our guest bedroom.  In other words, if we don’t do some preparing about our lives–we are often left with very deep problem solving in times of real crisis.

Sandy’s ( my oldest daughter) father-in-law died this past weekend.  Sandy and her husband, Rob, were in Memphis for a marathon.  They received the call around 6:00 a.m. on Sunday morning.  They had plans to enjoy a leisurely morning before heading home.  Instead, they had to gather their belongings fast and get on the road.  Sandy’s husband is his father’s power of attorney and he had to get things moving fast.  Later that day–I talked with Sandy and she told me that the funeral would cost about $12,000.  Rob’s dad had plenty of insurance and that was not a worry.  Through Sandy , I’ve learned that all wills are probated and that  the death is published in the paper for all creditors to see.  The creditors get their money before any is dispersed to the family.  Rob senior’s situation is not going to be an easy one because there are five grown children who want their share of the estate.  Rob junior is going to have a huge job to deal with.   Rob senior’s death struck another one of those “planning nerves” in my body.  I thought that all of our life insurance policies were in our lock box.  However, when I opened our box up–I was shocked to learn that they were not in the box.  I had to go searching for them.  I did finally find them and placed them in our lock bos.  Our wills were in our lock box.  Jim and I took a look at them and although they are adequate–they are not the best.  Thus, sometime soon–we will work on updating our wills.

Death is costly not only in the painful emotions that those who are left behind feel but it is also just plain earthly wise costly.  Life insurance  should be bought when one is young.  That is when it is the least expensive.  The more health problems one has–the more costly will be the policy.  Jim and I locked into our main policy when we were still fairly young.  Then when I was 48–I bought another small policy for myself.  Because I was beginning to have health problems–I could only aford a $25,000 policy.  I’m thankful that we have life insurance.  I would encourage all young people to get busy and purchase life insurance. 

Cancer is another issue.  There are some financial advisors who teach that cancer insurance is a waste of money.  They say that if one is coverd by health insurance –then no other insurance is necessary.  However, health insurance companies these days are making it harder for all of us. For instasnce,   this past year–for the first time in 15 years we had what is called a “bridge” to complete.  In other words, the company gave us the first $2.000.00 dollars then we had to pay the next $2,000.00 before the 80/20 percent kicked in.  We had chosen the inbetween plan.  However, the top plan was not much better.  This coming year we chose the lowest plan because Jim is on disability pay.  We won’t have to pay any of the premiums like we did with the inbetween plan. But this year the insurance will only pay the first $ 1000.00 then we will have a bridge of $4000.00 to pay before the 80/20 percent kicks in.  The insurance companies do this so people won’t go the doctor’s for minor complaints.  And even though we have benefited greatly through having medical insurance–we pay the equivalent to a car payment in medical bills each month.

So getting back to cancer–the standard health insurance is not going to pay much up front.  The benefit is not seen until one has paid a great deal out of one’s pocket.  With my cancer insurance–I got a check for just being diagnosed with cancer.  They also paid a part of my hospital stay when I had my masectomy.  Lastly, they have paid a good portion of my monthly medicine.  I would never have been able to afford my medicine with out my cancer insurance.  Our policy which we started at my husband’s workplace has only cost us $25.00 a month.  We were able to take it with us even though Jim will never go back to work.  The price did not go up –it is locked in at $25.00 a month.  So if your compnay offers you a cancer policy and ours was from Aflac–grab the opportunity. 

My last piece of advice would be to be faithful to saving money.  When Jim had to be at Vanderbilt for two weeks–I was able to put a check from my money market into my primary bank.  Even though Jim was still getting paid–the extra money was a help.  I didn’t want our daughter, Vera, to be in a lurch as she was paying our bills.  We haven’t always been people who saved money.  We got a late start in our lives but late is better than never.  So get started on some kind of savings plan.

Now I realize that I have people from different parts of the world who read my blog.  Many live in the UK where all medical bills are paid.  My advice  on medical insurance won’t mean much to my UK friends but my advice on savings and life insurance is for all people. 

We have watched Rob senior be in and out of the hospital for a decade now.  He had many lung and heart problems.  However, he has always been able to get back to work.  In fact, he was dressing for work on Sunday morning and just died instantly.  Death, cancer and other kinds of  illness can take any of us by surprise.  So get a will, some life insurance, start a savings account and buy some cancer insurance.  Be prepared.

God bless each of you!

An Aorta Adventure, Part 7

We had one more major hurdle to get through before Jim could leave the hospital.  He wasn’t feeling well at all on Wednesday morning.  He was having awful pain in his urinary tract and thus could not urinate.  By 11:00 a.m. –his pain had hit a peak.  Regular pain medicine didn’t help him at all.  The nurse had to give him a shot of morphine.  Actually, that didn’t help much either.  Finally, an ultra sound was ordered.  The ultra sound revealed that his prostrate was enlarged.  Jim was put back on the catheter and was given a drug to help him urinate.  Almost immediately, his comfort level improved.  The plan was for Jim to get the catheter out by the next morning.

The plan went beautifully.  Jim never had any more problems urinating.  However, the doctor bottomed his blood pressure so low that they had to hook him back up to IV’S to get his blood pressure up to a normal level.  The doctor’s kept emphasizing that his blood pressure had to be no higher than 100 on the top.  However, they were not successful with their efforts unless they bottomed my husband out.  I wondered how I was so supposed to deal with such a crisis when we returned home.

Anyway, the plan was for Jim to leave on Friday.  So we had a little party on Thursday evening.  We walked to the nutrition station behind the nurse’s station and got some cereal, milk and juice.  Then we walked back to our room to celebrate that we would soon be home.  I pulled out whatever junk food I had left for my snack.  This was about 10:00 p.m.  Silently I prayed that nothing would prevent Jim was going home.  It had been a long stay and we were both restless to go home.

I have to say the counseling we got for our discharge was topnotch.  Not only did we get all of our instructions in print but we also got an hour’s worth of oral instruction.  We had also requested the hospital social worker to come and talk with us about social security disability benefits.  He gave us some printed material and also answered all of our questions.  Somehow, Jim and I both had a gut feeling that he would never return to work.  However, we tabled our final questions for his scheduled follow up in November.

Finally, we were able to leave the hospital.  Sandy came to pick us up.  We ate lunch at the Alektor Cafe and Book Store.  This is our absolute favorite place to eat when we visit Nashville.  It is an Orthodox booksore.  Fr. Parthenios and his wife Pres. Marion own the cafe.  Pres. Marion cooks most of the food.  Fr. Parthenios is always readily seen working on preparing all of the food orders.  Before we left the cafe–Fr. Parthenios had some special prayers for Jim. 

Our arrival home was full of merriment.  We had stopped by Sandy’s neighbor to get our grandchildren.  The boys were happy to see us.  John wanted to go with me to the pharmacy to get Jim’s medicine.  At that time–we had about 13 prescriptions.  Although Jim was tired–he was able to sit and visit with everyone.  We knew that we had a long road ahead of us but being home would hopefully help Jim to recover faster than a clinical environment.

On Saturday, our friend, Hope, cooked us a wonderful meal.  Our son and his wife also came for a visit.  The first weekend was rather rough on all of us but we soon learned to adapt and figure out better ways to make Jim comfortable.

I began taking Jim to walk each morning at the public library’s river walk.  We soaked in the Indian summer sun.  I would take a little snack for him to eat while we walked.  Or sometimes, we would take a break and he would eat his snack.  We did this faithfully the first three weeks Jim was home.  The Indian summer is gone now and the weather is getting harsh.  So we haven’t been walking as much.

Jim’s brother came for a visit from Iowa the first weekend in November.  Jim hadn’t seen his brother in 14 years.  His brother’s wife had recently died from a four year battle with cancer.  It was good being with Jim’s brother.  We took a ride into another county to visit an Amish store.  It had been so long since I had been to an Amish store.  We all enjoyed that so much.  Then down the road was an Amish bakery.  On our way back home we stopped and showed Jim’s brother the home we had wanted to buy in Todd County.  I, especially, had wanted to move but the door was closed on us.  Shortly after that disappointment, I found out I had breast cancer.  Our final stop was to visit some friends who used to be Mennonites but left their order.  They now farm and run a bookstore from their home.  It was great seeing this family again.  The oldest son was working on the addition they were building to their home.  The other five children were baking goodies in the kitchen.  They had made up enough cookie dough to feed an army.  However, that is the way to bake when one had a family of eight people.  We bought a few books from them and headed home.

Shortly after Jim’s brother left–it was time to visit Nashville again for Jim’s followup report.  Again, we got good counsel–about 90 minutes worth.  They told Jim that he would never be able to work again.  We were not shocked because after having experienced open heart surgery twice–it was very evident that Jim would not go back to his factory job. 

We were up front with Jim’s employer about his not returning to work.  Thankfully, they told us that the disability benefit was still his.  Jim had three weeks of vacation pay and one week of sick pay coming to him and then the disability checks would kick in.  At some point, Jim will apply for social security disability.  I’m making plans to go back to work after Christmas as a substitute teacher.  I know we will make it because we have lived frugally now for almost seven years.  It has been wonderful to be able to be home and take care of Jim for almost seven weeks now.  He has many computer interests that he hopes to continue working on.  He is not a blogger like I am but he loved the computer.  He also loved to read.  I’m happy that Jim will be able to be home now.  As long as he can keep his blood pressure under control–he should have many more good years of life.  I hope my story will be of help to others who are struggling with similar problems. 

God bless each of you!

A Thanksgiving To Remember

I still have one more post to write on my aorta series about my husband’s stay at Vanderbilt Medical Center but I thought I’d take a break to reflect on our Thanksgiving holiday.

We usually spend our Thanksgiving holiday with my brother, Brad, who lives in Nashville.  Brad and his wife Susan– have taken very good care of me the two times I’ve had to spend a couple of weeks at Vanderbilt.  I asked him during my recent stay in Nashville if our usual Thanksgiving feast was still to be held at his home.  He assured me that was the plan.  Brad and Susan live in the suberbs of Nashville.  They own a home on five acres of land that are woods.  I always feel like I’m at a state park when I visit their lovely home. 

Last year our plans were changed because Susan’s father was very ill with cancer.  She wanted to have Thanksgiving with her mom and dad in Chatanooga, Tennessee.  Brad came to our place and our entire family went out to eat.  I had just learned that I had breast cancer and I was in no mood to cook a Thanksgiving dinner.   Susan’s father passed away with cancer last spring.  Now Susan’s mother has moved to Nashville to be near her.  Thus, we were pleased that the celebration would be at Brad and Susan’s home. Then suddenly another tragedy occurred.

On November the 12th, Brad fell down his basement stairs.  He experienced three places of trauma to his head and broke his left arm.  He had two major surgeries within his first days at Vanderbilt.  We went to see him on Sunday the 16th.  He was just beginning to come out of his induced coma.  He did seem to know us but it was hard for him to talk because his jaw had been wired shut.  Brad’s head was so swollen.  It was very hard to believe all of this happened to my very special brother.  However, by the things he was able to say–it was apparent that his mental faculties were doing fine.  And  that proved to be true with each day of his recovery. Brad wasn’t totally out of the woods as another break was found in his right wrist and he had another surgery.  That surgery was not has serious and he was able to be awake for that one.

We talked about what we would do for our Thanksgiving.  I’ve never had to plan a whole meal by myself.  I didn’t think that was what I wanted to do.  Yet, with living on disability pay–it didn’t seem right to spend a large amount to eat out.  Finally, I decided that I would cook a big Thanksgiving dinner.  Sunday afternoon I was just getting ready to go to Kroger to buy what we needed–when we noticed a box on our porch.  Someone had left a turkey and some canned goods for us.  I knew that I was definitely supposed to cook this year.  I went ahead and made the trip to Kroger because Vera wanted me to buy sweet potatoes to make a casserole. 

All day Wednesday, I prepared casseroles .  Vera made a big pot of regular mashed potatoes.  I finished up my evening by baking  three pumpkin pies.  It had been several years since I had tried my hand at making homemade pie crust.  The pies turned out wonderful.  Thursday morning, we cooked the turkey.  All of my family were able to come.  We ended our feast by sharing Thanksgiving blessings. 

I had a very special blessing to share.  I had a mammogram on my remaining breast and the report came in the mail the day before Thanksgiving.  The mammogram was perfectly normal.  I have made it through one year as a cancer survivor.  And I was also very thankful that Jim has had six good weeks at home.  He will never be able to have open heart surgery again–but if we take care of him–he can live many good years.

Later that evening I called Brad and Susan.  He has just gotten on from the rehabilitation center on Wednesday.  He was able to talk very well through his wired jaw.  He talked about making a good friend at the rehab center.  His new friend has been in a car accident.  Brad was able to give him some legal advice. ( Brad is a lawyer)  He talked about how the two of them raced their wheelchairs around the rehab center.  I was pleased with Brad’s upbeat attitude. Lastly, Brad told me that he wasn’t in any rush to see his basement stairs again.  I think their plans are to totally rebuild them and make them safer.

       I’ve also realized how dangerous basement stairs can be.  I’ve been running up and down my basement stairs for 23 years now to do laundry.  I fell once  but broke my fall with my left hand.  I did have to have surgery on my little finger.  I also fell a couple of years ago and my head hit a desk that was near the end of the steps.  I had a huge swollen place but no lasting injuries.  I’ve been taking the stairs very slowly since Brad’s accident. 

So Brad is home.  Jim is home.  And, I’m a one year cancer survivor.  I have the love of my husband, family and friends.  Although, we have some new challenges to face in 2009–I know love will carry us through.

God bless each of you!

An Aorta Adventure, Part 6

The ventilator was removed from Jim’s mouth about 7:30 a.m.  He was fully awake and  was asking me questions.  I didn’t know whether it was good for me to just plunge ahead and tell him that the original surgery couldn’t be done.  Jim’s arms and hands were terribly swollen from all of the IV fluids he had endured for over a week.  He was able to eat a light breakfast.  From that point on it became my job to give him a sponge bath and get a clean hospital gown on him each day.

I did discuss the operation with Jim because I knew the nurses would be talking about it.  The nursing staff got Jim in a recliner and that became the pattern for the rest of his hospital stay.  It was a busy day as his nurse was in each hour to check all of his fluids and vital signs.  She got irritated with me for helping Jim to eat his lunch.  He was particularly desiring chocolate milk.  They let him have about three chocolate milks that day and his blood sugar began soaring.  That is when I learned that even if one is not a diabetic the blood sugar often is elevated after a surgery.  Thus, Jim was given some insulin and his chocolate milk was taken away from him.

Before we went to sleep that first day after surgery–I read to Jim  all of the readings about Orthodox Saints that he had gotten behind on.  We found a quote from St. John of Kronstadt that spoke volumes to both of us.  I think it is worthwhile to share this quote.

“During the life of the Christian there are hours of inconsolable sorrow and sickness, when it seems that the Lord has completely abandoned and forsaken him, for there is not the least feeling of God’s presence in the soul. Such are the hours in which the faith, hope, love, and patience of the Christian are tried. But better times will soon come to him. Soon the Lord will turn him again to joy, so let him not fall when tempted in this way.”

On Sunday morning the drainage tubes were removed from Jim’s chest and we were told that he would move to the cardiac step down floor that evening.  After having slept in the ICU for a week –I was more than ready for a visit with my brother –who lives in Nashville.  Regardless of being fussed at–I felt like I should feed Jim his lunch before I went to my brother’s home.  And yes, I got another lecture.

The afternoon and early evening with my brother and his wife was sorely needed.  They live way up on a hill and actually have about five acres of woods surrounding their home.  I always feel like I’m visiting a state park lodge when I visit my brother.  I enjoyed their two black labrador retrievers.  No matter how long between my visits with my brother–his dogs always remember me.  Brad and Susan grilled chicken for me that evening and we sat on their enclosed patio and enjoyed the Indian summer weather. 

Upon returning to the hospital–I learned that Jim had been moved to the step down floor.  I had already packed all of my belongings as I anticipated the move.  It was so strange being in a new room.  It was much smaller–leaving me with a feeling of disorientation.  There was no place for me to sleep except a regular recliner.  Before midnight–they were able to bring me a cot.  It was cramped up right next to JIm’s hospital bed.  We were told that vitals would now be taken every four hours.  We were also alerted to the fact that the doctors would make their rounds right about 6:00 a.m. each morning.  That meant that I would have to be up and showered by that time each day.  I had been sleeping in my clothes anyway.  Somehow, sleeping in pajamas didn’t set right with me.  There were those occasions that I had been called on to help Jim in the night.  Being a private person–I avoided night gowns and pajamas in a hospital setting.   Thus, I had to get moving a bit earlier each day. 

I developed a pattern of getting myself ready first–then bathing Jim.  His breakfast would come about 7:30 a.m.  I would take a few minutes to go get my breakfast from MacDonalds( which was only an elevator ride away) and then we would eat together.  His swollen hands were getting better and he was  now able to feed himself.  From that point in the day–we didn’t know what would happen.  Usually, we had visitors each day.  That first Monday morning we had a friend from St. Elizabeth come and stay for over an hour.  Then after she left –our son and his wife came for a long visit.  They had been in Nashville to see her back surgeon.  We walked to the food court and ate lunch together. In the evenings I usually just ate snacks from the accumulation of food gifts I had received.

Jim was not totally lucid in my opinion.  His eys had a horrible bulging look.  He was very snappy with me.  I tried not to take it personally but it did hurt.  Yes, I remembered that same kind of behavior from the previous surgery.  However, I still had an extremely hard time adjusting to JIm’s moods. Jim also seemed to hallucinate at times.  It really scared me when he told me that our hospital room was our home.  With all the experience I had with nursing my husband–I flunked adjusting to Jim’s hallucinations. 

There were more tests that were given Jim during his week in the step down.  The first test was an ultra sound on his left neck.  This test revealed a blood clot in his neck. All the professionals were low key about his clot. The only precaution taken was to make sure no blood work or blood pressure checks were given on his left arm.

Tuesday was a hard day with Jim.  He snapped at me so much that I began snapping back.  I was embarrassed when Fr. John walked  in late Tuesday afternoon as I said something harsh to Jim.  Honestly, I don’t know if he heard me but I was feeling quite quility for snapping at Jim. My friend Hope also came for a visit around that time.  After Fr. John left–she took me to the cafeteria to eat our supper.  The stress of living at the hospital at really gotten to me.  I wanted to quit taking everything Jim said so personal–but I still struggled.  Having a nice meal out with Hope revitalized me.  I was ready to face Jim again.  I prayed for a renewing of my faith as I entered our hospital room again.  I was homesick and longed for a more normal life.  But would our lives ever seem normal again?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Aorta Adventure, Part 5

I remember October the 10th as a beautiful sunny day.  Off the 5th floor waiting area is a court yard full of benches and lovely pots of plants.  Different family members took turns going out there to use their  cell phone. Everyone had their own list of people to call. We actually didn’t do much talking with each other throughout the morning because of our cell phone usage. However, Maria, in her usual way made friends with a couple of pastors who also had a loved one in surgery.  This is very typical of Maria who makes friends very easily. 

Around noon we received a call that Jim was out of surgery and that the heart surgeon would soon be up to talk with us.  I knew that this didn’t sound correct.  Jim’s surgery was to be very complicated.  Something must have gone wrong.  The surgeon was prompt in getting up to the 5th floor.  He and his whole team of surgeons like to draw pictures of what is happening in the body.  I had a notebook for him to draw his picture of what had happened to Jim. 

They had taken two veins out of one of Jim’s leg for the bypass part of the surgery.  However, when they opened Jim up–there was no place to hook up the heart and lung machine. Three years ago he had a part of his Aorta above the aortic roots replaced with a synthetic material.  This had shrunk from 3 cm to 1 cm.  That is where they were going to hook the heart and lung machine.  Moreover, he had way to much scar material.  This scarring was not evident on all of his tests.  Thus, the surgeon told us that he would have killed Jim–if he had attempted to do the complicated surgery.  So what was the solution?

The surgeon very carefully wrapped up Jim’s two aortic root aneurysms in a dacron cage.  He compared the aneurysms in a cage to wild horses in a pen.  The wild horses are not dangerous when they are properly penned up.  Likewise, Jim’s aneurysms would not be harmful penned up in a cage.  However, the bypass was not able to be done.  Nor was anything done to prepare for a future surgery of treating the descending aortic aneurysm.  Jim’s entire aorta was very thin due to the Type B dissection.  Therefore, the rest of his life–he would have to keep his blood pressure way down.  The surgeon also said that Jim could never have open heart surgery ever again.  He reiterated that there was simply no place to hook up the heart and lung machine.  Well, we were all very stunned.

We decided to walk to the food court and get a good lunch.  It was hard for me to cencentrate on anything once again.  I just couldn’t fathom what was happening to my husband.  It seemed so surreal.  What would be in Jim’s future?  Would he ever be able to go back to work?  What if my cancer returned?  Would we just be two sick people fumbling about to make it in the world?  I could see where those thoughts would lead and so I snapped back to the present moment.  God’s grace and mercy had been with us for almost 35 years of marriage.  I knew God would not turn His back on us now.  On the other hand–that didn’t mean the path would be easy.  I knew that I was going to have to be upbeat in all of my thinking.  I couldn’t let my family down by becoming a complainer.  I was just going to have to face our future one day at a time.  Really–that is all anyone can do. 

During our lunch break–the cell phone scenario continued.  Each of us not only received incoming calls but we also checked in with those on our list.  Still, the change of scenery did us good.  The walk to and from the food court was refreshing with the sunlight pouring it rays on our tired bodies. Sandy and Rob ventued out on their own for a long walk.  The rest of us went back to the waiting room.  Jim was back in the ICU but we were not allowed to see him as the ICU was in isolation due to an emergency medical treatment on someone in the ICU unit. 

My brother Brad and his wife Susan joined us in mid afternoon.  We explained to them all about the dacron tent being built around Jim’s aneurysms.  The afternoon became a waiting time again.  I did get a wonderful surprise in getting a phone call on my cell phone from Korea.  Fr. Isaiah and his wife Beth had been assigned to Korea during the summer.  They called to ask about Jim and to offer their comfort and prayers.  How I appreciated their call.  There had been no shortage of pastoral care during our stay at Vanderbilt.  We had comfort from Fr. Peter, Fr. John, Fr. Stephen and Fr. Isaiah.  That went a long way to helping us both  have peace of mind.

Finally, around 4:00 p.m.–we were allowed to see Jim.  Only two at a time could visit with him.  He was hooked up to all kinds of tubes and he had a ventilator in his mouth.  He was in a drug induced coma.  It was not pleasant seeing him that way.  I hoped that this time he would wake up faster than his surgery in 2005.  We talked to him as though he could hear us.  We took turns doing this for a couple of hours.

Around 6:00 p.m. –some of my family decided to go home.  I’m thankful that Sandy and Rob stayed yet another hour.  I was dreading the long night ahead of me.  I would be sleeping in the same room as my unconscious husband.  However, I was extremly exhausted.  I was asleep by 8:00 p.m.  I didn’t awake until around 5:00 a.m. I woke up with a start–when I heard Jim struggling to breathe.  He was no longer unconscience but he was fighting the ventilator.  He was gagging.  It was an aweful scene to watch.  A whole team of medical people were in the room to help him through the crisis.  They asked me to leave while they did some kind of emergency procedure.  When it was over–they explained to me that this often happens when a patient starts to regain consciousness. They also told me that the ventilator would come out in about a couple of hours.  I wondered what the day would hold?  Would JIm be able to talk with me?  How would he react to the news that his surgery was not anything but a bandaid?  I took my shower and got ready for the long day ahead.

An Aortic Adventure, Part 4

I neglected to write about Fr. John coming back to the ICU on Monday morning on his way to Florida.  He gave Jim Holy Communion.  I visited with his wife and four children in the lounge area.  His Bishop had asked him to fill in at a parish in Florida on October the 12th.  Fr. John and his wfe thought it would be a good time to have a few days of vacation. The life of a parish priest is very demanding.  I was glad that Fr. John and his family would have some time to relax.  Jim requested a time of confession before he took Holy Communion.  Jim told me later that Fr. John told him that his suffering was his confession. 

My friend, Hope, who was with me on Monday was reminding me last night that Jim was able to impart spritual wisdom to her while he was in the ICU.  She was amazed how Jim could relate certain scriptures for her encouragement while he was in such a critical state.  I had never given it much thought  until Hope reminded me of that special time. 

I had related in my last post how Jim was waiting to have a heart cath test done.  He was awakened at 4:30 a.m. on Wednesday morning to take a special antibacterial bath in anticipation of that test.  They had special cloth wipes that he was to wipe his body down with.  I woke up when the nurse came in with this assignment for JIm.  I knew that he was not able to do his bathing very well.  Thus, I got up and bathed him in preparation for his test. 

And because he was to have this test–he was back on a broth and jello again.  We waited all day.  Finally, around 6:00 p.m. –the transport team came and got Jim.  I rode down on the elevator with them.  I had to wait in  a special waiting room.  About an hour and half later the cardioligist came and talked with me.  Jim’s “widow maker” artery was 70% blocked.  The doctor told me that actually that could be treated with medicine but since he was already going to be opened up–they would proceed with the bypass.

Sandy called me while I was in the waiting room to tell me that her church had prepared a large bag of goodies for surgery day.  They also asked Sandy and Rob to stand up  in front of the church for a special time of prayer for our entire family.  I was very encouraged by this tremendous act of love and giving.

Also– late Wednesday evening, the vascular surgeon came and told us that he thought it was possible that he would be able to do some prep work up near Jim’s neck and shoulder for the surgery on the descending aortic aneursym.  He explained that he would be making a little mesh tubing that had something to do with proper blood flow.  If Jim had needed surgery on his descending aorta alone–he would have had to be cut in the chest and in his side.  So while Jim was being opened in his chest–this work would be done.  He said that he knew Jim was not strong enough to have the second part of that surgery done.  That surgery would possibly be done in about six weeks.  He also told us that if it looked like Jim’s life was at risk–then he would not do the prep work at all.

Thursday was a day of rest for both of us.  Yes, nurses were still in and out every hour checking on all of his IV’s and his vital signs.  However, Jim requested to be sitting in a chair.  They brought in a recliner for him and Jim enjoyed sitting in it all day.  We were so surprised when Fr. Stephen from Franklin, Tennessee came around 10 a.m that morning.  He visited with us for at least an hour.  He offered so much encouragement to us.  After he left–my friend, Hope, came for another visit.  She took me out for lunch again.  Finally, in the early evening–Jim’s supervisor from his factory came for a visit.  He brought a card with cash from all of JIm’s co-workers.  As the evening ended–Jim and I talked about how blessed we were to have so many visits from priests, family and friends.  My brother and his wife also came to visit for awhile that evening.

All the visits were welcome distractions from thinking about the upcoming surgery.  The heart surgeon also came to talk with us that Thursday evening.  He explained once again all that he hoped to accomplish but he also told us that if Jim’s life was being threatened –some of his goals would be put aside.  What a day it had been for both us.  I was exhausted and slept very well. It is very ironic that I slept better in the hospital than I do at home. All  throughout the entire week nurses were in each hour but I slept through most of it. 

Once again–Jim was awakened at 4:30 a.m. to take another special bath in preparation for surgery.  I got up and bathed him.  Our son Ben and his wife arrived around 6:30 a.m.  Ben had not been able to get back to the hospital and was very anxious to arrive early to have some time with his dad before he was taken to surgery.  I thought back to all the years that Ben was aloof to both us.  Ben always thought we loved the girls more than hIm.  I was grateful for how his inner wounds had healed.  For many years now , Ben has wanted to spend time with Jim.  All during Jim’s week in the ICU–Ben and his wife called daily to get the latest reports. 

Jim didn’t have to much time to vist with Ben and Linda before the transport people came.  We all took the elevator down to surgery together.  We had a few more minutes with Jim before they took him off for final prepping for surgery.  We had some special moments of kissing, hugging and praying.  I honestly didn’t know whether I’d ever see Jim alive again.  

We went to the first floor lobby which is also the surgery waiting place.  In our little nook– we registered in with the person in charge–who just happened to be a fellow parishioner from St. Elizabeth Orthodox Church.  She was such an encouragement to us.  The rest of the family arrived.  I had all of my children and their spouses with me– except Maria’s husband. Maria’s husband had to get back to work –as he is in the trucking business. We took a moment to explore the “goody” bag from Sandy’s church.  Then we decided that it would be better for us to wait in the 5th floor waiting area.  That is what our heart doctor preferred.  Everyone was keyed up.  We knew that we would be receiving a phone call when surgery was beginning.  That phone call did not come until 9:30 a.m.  Finally, we learned the first incision had just been made.  I kept wondering if Jim was strong enough for another long heart surgery.  I wasn’t panicking but I wasn’t able to concentrate very well on anything.  I kept wondering around the waiting area.  I was the first to answer the phone for other families.  It was going to be a long day.

An Aortic Adventure, Part 3

I was glad that Vera could make the trip with us to Vanderbilt Medical Center on Saturday.  She had stayed behind on Friday to take care of our animals and to send an email out about Jim.  When we arrived at the ICU–Jim was no longer talkative.  No more “happy” medicine was administered through his many IV’S.  It was important for Jim to tell the nurses when he was in pain–especially if he had any tearing sensations in his chest.  Jim wasn’t allowed anything to eat except for broth, clear juices, and geletin.  He wasn’t very happy about that situation at all.  I don’t know what the thinking was about food–except that Jim might have to have emergency surgery.  There was a funny moment when we couldn’t find Jim’s broth.  Vera went down the hall to catch his nurse to inquire about what happened to her dad’s broth.  The nurse came into the room with a flustered look on her face and showed us the cup she had poured the broth into so Jim could drink it –instead of trying to use a spoon. 

I could tell that Jim’s body was swelling because of all of the fuid and medicines being pumped into him.  The doctor was writing orders for blood pressure medicines given by IV– to work on getting Jim’s blood pressure and heart rate down.  Such was the course of his entire  week in the ICU–having his medicines or dosages changed.  The ICU nurse was in at least once each hour.  There was a computer in our room where the nurse on duty  sat and typed in information concerning JIm’s health.

Sandy and Vera stayed until about 4:00 p.m. that afternoon.  When they left me–I certainly felt a void.  I was glad that I had a bag full of books to read.  I have the kind of personality that enjoys being still and reading for hours.  At home–I rarely get such opportunities.  Thus, if I was going to be confined mainly to the ICU–I would use the time to read.  I especially enjoyed reading a  biography about  Daniel Boone.  Being a Kentuckian–I wanted to learn what was folklore versus what was the truth about Boone’s life.  I also had some Russian novels and a book by C.S. Lewis.  Lastly, I had my Orthodox Study Bible. 

I had made the decision not to stay with my brother who lives in Nashville this time.  I enjoyed their hospitality three years ago, but now I knew that I didn’t want to miss anything that might be happening to Jim.  I wanted to know every detail.  The doctors often didn’t come until later in the evening or early in the morning.  I missed most of those times when Jim was at Vanderbilt in 2005.  My decision was the right one because on Saturday evening the surgeon’s assistant came to talk with us.  He drew another picture for us about what was going on in JIm’s aorta.  He explained that the surgeon would be taking the bovine valve out and replacing it with a “piggy” kit that included new aorta roots and a valve.  He also told us that the vascular surgeons were looking at the aneurysm on the descending aorta.  Those doctors had some decisions to make.  It probably wasn’t possible to fix the descending aorta during the open heart surgery.  Also, a heart cath was scheduled to check Jim’s arteries. The picture of what Jim’s surgery would be like was getting giganic.  I didn’t have a good feeling about any of it.

Meanwhile, Maria was the only one of our children who hadn’t seen Jim.  At last, she was able to visit with us on Sunday.  Vera had decided to drive again to Vanderbilt and picked up Maria.  Jim didn’t feel well at all.  He had been having nausia which resulted in dry heeves.  The graveness of the situation was telling on us all.

Monday, I had a break when a girlfriend of mine came and took me out to lunch.  When we got back to the ICU–Jim was having an ultra sound done. And earlier that morning, a heart CT scan was done. I wondered what all the tests would reveal.  A couple of hours later the surgeon’s assistant came and told me that Jim’s “widow maker” artery was blocked.  So along with everything else –Jim would have to have bypass surgery done, too.  It was just too much for me to absorb.  I had been having shooting pains in my left side– especially down my left arm.  I told the nurse about the pains and he insisted that I have them checked out in the ER.  So they put me in a wheelchair and off I went to the ER.

My brother Brad and his wife had gone to visit Jim and found him asleep.  They called me on my cell phone and I told them that I was in the ER.  They came down and stayed with me for a few hours.  I had an EKG, a chest x-ray and some blood work done.  By 7:00 p.m. they had told me that I was staying the night in the ER to be monitored.  I had another EKG done before midnight.  I felt so silly because all I expected was just a routine checkup and that I would be back up to the 5th floor to be with JIm.  It seemed a bit much to me but I obeyed their orders.  They monitored me all night and I had another EKG and more blood work done early in the morning.  By mid morning, I had a Heart CT scan and the cardiologist told me that I was in great shape.  Finally, by noon I was back with Jim.

I was glad that all three of my girls were visiting that day.  They came down to the ER to be with me until I was released.  It was getting tiresome wondering when surgery would be.  It was also getting tiresome wondering when the heart cath would be done.  They told us that it couldn’t be done the regular way through the leg.  Instead, the cardiologist would go in through the arm.  Jim would have to fast before the test was done.  They had started giving him regular meals so I knew that the heart cath was ruled out for Tuesday. 

I decided to settle down and read my Boone biography.  It was going to be touch and go for a couple of more days.  I needed to relax and get my mind off of thinking about the upcoming, long 11 or 12 hour surgery.  I didn’t see how Jim could survive such a surgery.  He had already been through one such surgery and didn’t fully wake up from that ordeal for several days.  How could his body stand another long surgery?  How could I stand seeing him hooked up on all kinds of tubes again –laying in bed unconscious with a ventilator in his mouth?  As I read about Daniel Boone–I tried to put those horrible thoughts out of my mind.

An Aortic Adventure, Part 2

As soon as we arrived at Vanderbilt–we walked into the main lobby which is also a surgery waiting room and asked where Jim was.  I should have known anyway that he would be on the 5th floor.  When we got off the elevator on the 5th floor –I was flooded with memories of three years ago. At that time–also in October, Jim had slumped into his chair while sitting at the computer.  He was life flighted to Vanderbilt.  We arrived around 10:30 p.m. that evening and went straight to the 5th floor.  The surgeon was waiting to talk with us.  I remember he drew a picture of what was going on with Jim –telling  me that JIm only had a 40% chance of living.  That surgery took 11 hours.  During the surgery we waited in the main first floor waiting area all night.  Everyone else could take a break and  walk around but I had injured my hip while getting out of Sandy’s SUV.  I was in terrible pain.  So all those thoughts were replayed when we arrived on the fifth floor once again.

There is a large waiting area full of recliners and other comfortable chairs.  There were folks there who looked very tired from their own particular journeys.  We walked throught the lounge area back to where the Cardiac ICU was.  Jim was already hooked up to all kinds of IV’s.  They had given him something to relax his emotions so he was very talkative.  He joked how he got to view the scenery from the helicopter this time.  It didn’t seem possible that Jim was sick at all.  He just seemed too happy and comfortable to be so ill.

Soon Fr. John from Murfreesboro arrived to be with us.  Our parish in Clarksville, Tennessee does not have a full time priest and Fr. John wanted to pray for Jim and our family.  He had some special prayers of healing for Jim. Then he showed us a large icon of St. Herman of Alaska that his parish had commissioned to write.  Although it looks like a picture– an icon is not considered art work.  He told Jim that he could have use of this icon as long as he needed it.  St. Herman is Jim’s patron saint.  Soon Jim was whisked away for a three demensional CT scan.  Fr. John said he would like to wait and learn the results before he left our company.

Before long, the surgeon who operated on Jim three years ago came to talk with us about the results of the new CT scan.  I was impressed with how much he remembered about Jim’s case and how he remembered exact conversations that he had with me.  He drew us a picture of what was going on in Jim’s aorta.  Three years ago a section of Jim’s aorta had dissected up near his neck.  That section was replaced with mesh and a bovine aortic valve was placed in Jim’s body.  This time the Aortic roots which are just above the valve had balooned into aneurysms. The roots are only supposed to be 3 centimeters.  Now because of the aneuryms –they were now 8 centimeters.  The expanding of the blood vessels to form aneuryms had caused the awful pain that Jim had experienced back in the summer.  Moreover, there was another aneurysm on the discending aorta which would involve vascular surgeons.  This surgeon told us that he was going to be leaving the country and wouldn’t be able to do Jim’s surgery this time.  Instead, the surgeon who is the head of the department would be operating on Jim.  We kept asking when this surgery would be performed.  He couldn’t give us a time as Jim needed several more tests to determine if there were other kinds of heart or artery damage.  The surgeon explained that three years ago–Jim was no near death that no other kind of explortory tests could be done on him.

During the long afternoon, Fr. John was gracious to answer questions from my family.  None of my family is Orthodox except our daughter Vera.  Ben, our son, had quite a few questions for Fr. John.  It was a time for my family to learn more about our faith.  Yet, Fr. John would never have imposed on any one of my family–matters concerning our faith.  He only talked about the Orthodox faith when he was asked a question. 

Around 5:00 p.m. Fr. John left.  We stayed until about 6:00 p.m. Orginally, I had packed a bag of books and a small bag of clothes.  Thankfully, Sandy decided that she wanted to return to Vanderbilt on Saturday so I made the decision to go home for one night so I could explain more to Vera how to run our household and take care of financial matters.

I stayed up late that Friday night explaining to Vera the particulars of running the household.  I showed her our finance book that Jim had kept very neat and orderly.  He had made a 3 ring binder with a calender for each month showing when each bill was due and also a page to check off when the bills were paid.  We had some bills that were paid on line –so she had to learn where Jim kept his passwords.  I signed about twenty checks for her to pay bills with.  I also got a chance to so some laundry and pack a week’s worth of clothes. I knew my brother who lived in Nashville would be glad to help me with laundry.  I packed my vitamins and herbs and a few more books.  I made note that I needed to get my cancer medicine refilled before we left for Vanderbilt on Saturday. All in all I was very thankful for the opportunity to have a chance to be more thorough in preparing for what I knew would be another long stay at the hospital.  I was blessed to be able to sleep soundly that infamous Friday evening.  It was to be the last time I would be in my own bed for almost two whole weeks.